We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@NewDadNotes : Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Follow @NewDadNotes
@NewDadNotes: [shopping with my wife]
Wife: why does a refrigerator need WiFi?
Me: so it can Netflix and Chill : )
Wife:
Me:
Wife: excuse me Sir, does this have a return policy?
Employee: the fridge?
Wife: my husband.
@NewDadNotes: Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
@NewDadNotes: God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
@NewDadNotes: Wife: [helping daughter with homework] Black Sea, Red Sea, name one more sea.
Daughter: fancy.
Me: lol.
Wife: did you tell her to say that?
Me: no.
Wife: ok.
Me: I was gonna say Vitamin.
@NewDadNotes: Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
@NewDadNotes: Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
@NewDadNotes: God: you’re a yak.
Yak: actually i’m an emo cow.
God: wait-what?
Yak: why do you think I grew my hair out?
God: why?
Yak: cause i’m going through some stuff right now.
God: oh.
Yak: guess my favorite band?
God:
Yak: my chemoocal romance.
God: [nods] you ARE an emo cow.
@NewDadNotes: God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
@NewDadNotes: God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )