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Page of NewDadNotes's best tweets

@NewDadNotes : Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

@NewDadNotes: [shopping with my wife]

Wife: why does a refrigerator need WiFi?

Me: so it can Netflix and Chill : )

Wife:

Me:

Wife: excuse me Sir, does this have a return policy?

Employee: the fridge?

Wife: my husband.

@NewDadNotes: Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

@NewDadNotes: God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

@NewDadNotes: Wife: [helping daughter with homework] Black Sea, Red Sea, name one more sea.

Daughter: fancy.

Me: lol.

Wife: did you tell her to say that?

Me: no.

Wife: ok.

Me: I was gonna say Vitamin.

@NewDadNotes: Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

@NewDadNotes: Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

@NewDadNotes: God: you’re a yak.

Yak: actually i’m an emo cow.

God: wait-what?

Yak: why do you think I grew my hair out?

God: why?

Yak: cause i’m going through some stuff right now.

God: oh.

Yak: guess my favorite band?

God:

Yak: my chemoocal romance.

God: [nods] you ARE an emo cow.

@NewDadNotes: God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

@NewDadNotes: God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )