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Page of NewDadNotes's best tweets

@NewDadNotes : Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait...if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
...well shit

@NewDadNotes: Mugger: [pulls knife] gimme your wallet

Me: You picked the WRONG DAY to rob me Pal. I get paid Fri at midnight you should try again then

@NewDadNotes: [Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don't you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you're not allowed in here

@NewDadNotes: [inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

@NewDadNotes: [watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

@NewDadNotes: [parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

@NewDadNotes: Me: hey I just sent a girl I like an unsolicited picture of my d-

Roommate: OMG NO

Me: -og and it totally worked! We are going out tomorrow night!

@NewDadNotes: Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

@NewDadNotes: Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

@NewDadNotes: Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da...say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa...daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit