Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of NewDadNotes's best tweets

@NewDadNotes : [blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?

@NewDadNotes: Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

@NewDadNotes: Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

@NewDadNotes: [first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

@NewDadNotes: Darth Vader: [texting] hey girl what’s up?
Girl: who is this?
Darth Vader: Its Death
Darth Vader: dammit Death not Death
Darth Vader: shit Darth I’m Darth Vapor
Darth Vader: Vader I’m Death Vapor
Darth Vader: AHHH ducking autocorrect

@NewDadNotes: [on the phone]

DIRECTV Rep: DIRECTV.

Me: hi. yes. how do I get free HBO?

DIRECTV Rep: sorry Mr. Smith it's for new customers only.

[2 minutes later]

DIRECTV Rep: DIRECTV.

Me: [wearing fake mustache] hi. yes-

@NewDadNotes: [spelling bee]

Judge: your word is cartograph

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Judge: the world cartograph has seven seas

Me: C-C-C-C-C-C-C-A-R-T-O-G-R-A-P-H

@NewDadNotes: God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

@NewDadNotes: Prince: should I use a ladder or your hair to climb up to you?

Rapunzel: DO NOT USE THE LATTER!!!

@NewDadNotes: Mom: [carries in womb for 10 months, breastfeeds another 12 months, quits job to stay at home and raise our daughter]

Me: [does the going downstairs behind the couch gag]

Daughter: Daddy’s my best friend!