@NewDadNotes

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

@NewDadNotes

Boss: you’re fired
Me: *turns in chair with cat in my lap*
I expected this; you found my search history yes?
Boss: Linda wants her cat back

@NewDadNotes

[God creates walking]
Humans: nice

[God creates running]
Humans: haha nope

@NewDadNotes

Cop: I’ll ask you one last time did you or did you not see the stop sign back there?

Ace of Base: *starts sweating*

@NewDadNotes

Man sees the first Cat

Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I’m gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me

@NewDadNotes

Justice League HQ
Batman: -so they pay me 1 mil a yr
Superman: 1.5 for me
Aquaman: I’m paid in sand dollars
Wonder Woman: you guys get paid?

@NewDadNotes

*cat rubs against genie lamp*
G: you get one wish
Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table*
G: guess who just wished for a dog

@NewDadNotes

Angel: so you named this screwdriver a flathead cause it’s head is flat?
God: yep
Angel: What are you gonna call this other one?
God: Phil

@NewDadNotes

I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation

@NewDadNotes

DHS: Do you known Anakin Skywalker?

Darth Vader: Im An…

DHS: he owes 22 years back child support for twins

Darth Vader: I think he died