Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *turns in chair with cat in my lap*
I expected this; you found my search history yes?
Boss: Linda wants her cat back
[God creates walking]
[God creates running]
Humans: haha nope
Cop: I’ll ask you one last time did you or did you not see the stop sign back there?
Ace of Base: *starts sweating*
Man sees the first Cat
Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I’m gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me
Justice League HQ
Batman: -so they pay me 1 mil a yr
Superman: 1.5 for me
Aquaman: I’m paid in sand dollars
Wonder Woman: you guys get paid?
*cat rubs against genie lamp*
G: you get one wish
Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table*
G: guess who just wished for a dog
Angel: so you named this screwdriver a flathead cause it’s head is flat?
Angel: What are you gonna call this other one?
I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation
DHS: Do you known Anakin Skywalker?
Darth Vader: Im An…
DHS: he owes 22 years back child support for twins
Darth Vader: I think he died