There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
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No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Just got to our Airbnb!
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.