5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
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I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night