Kids, do not try this at home!
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[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
No. YOU-buprofen.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.