@NicestHippo

“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
ME: Yep
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”

@NicestHippo

She ate poison! We have to make her vomit!
[everyone looks at me]
[i roll my eyes and start getting naked]

@NicestHippo

WIFE: He thinks he’s a news anchor
DOCTOR: Is this true
ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]

@NicestHippo

ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this
GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well

@NicestHippo

I was on my way to commit a heinous act of religiously motivated violence but then I saw a Coexist bumper sticker

@NicestHippo

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

@NicestHippo

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

@NicestHippo

Please. Danger is my middle name.
“What’s your first name?”
Avoids

@NicestHippo

Two ads? IN A ROW? On this website that gives me access to all the music ever made? I won’t stand for it