Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@NicestHippo : "It's now or nev—"
ME: Never. I choose never.
@NicestHippo: Did Delilah ever tell that guy what New York City is like
@NicestHippo: "You're sure you understand stock trading?"
"Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?"
@NicestHippo: She ate poison! We have to make her vomit!
[everyone looks at me]
[i roll my eyes and start getting naked]
@NicestHippo: WIFE: He thinks he's a news anchor
DOCTOR: Is this true
ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]
@NicestHippo: ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this
GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well
@NicestHippo: I was on my way to commit a heinous act of religiously motivated violence but then I saw a Coexist bumper sticker
@NicestHippo: "It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside"
ME: Oh thank god
"It's who you are on the inside"
@NicestHippo: You're an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
@NicestHippo: Please. Danger is my middle name.
"What's your first name?"