I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
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Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?