Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
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If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.