@NicestHippo

POLICE CHIEF: They call him the copycat killer
ONE OF THE COPS (mocking tone): They call him the copycat killer
[everyone looks at him]
Oops

@NicestHippo

*points to refrigerator*
That makes things cold
*points to stove*
That makes things hot
*points to self*
That makes things awkward

@NicestHippo

DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*

@NicestHippo

Thinking is hard, that’s why I appreciate websites telling me in advance how I will feel about the article

@NicestHippo

*runs into restaurant*
IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR?
“I’m a doctor”
Nice. Nice. Can you buy me dinner I’m very poor

@NicestHippo

“Dad, where do zebras come from?”
Well son, when a referee loves a horse very much

@NicestHippo

TRUMP: I just killed & ate a homeless man
MEDIA: You’re a monster
TRUMP: This sort of political correctness is what’s ruining our country

@NicestHippo

Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren’t out yet

@NicestHippo

[job interview]
You sure you know what it means to be a real estate developer?
[i picture myself yelling at a building to try harder]
Yes

@NicestHippo

The first judge ever was like “When I’m done talking I’ll pound my desk with a hammer” and we were all “Ok that’s not insane”