SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
You Might Also Like
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Baking is just science you can eat.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Follow me for more life hacks.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.