In America, we decide to bomb people after a week of reflection, but have debated the legality of smoking a plant for 40 years
If you think you’re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say “There there” when consoling someone
[my first day working on The Avengers set]
*leans over to Joss Whedon*
I hear this Josh Sweden guy is a real dork
Emperor Sleepoleon, we urge you to change your name to appear less lazy to your people.
Oui, I shall dial it back, BUT ONLY SLIGHTLY
WIFE: I can’t take it anymore. Your incorrect use of idioms is tearing us apart!
ME [taking her hand]: Cat got your tongue?
[australia’s first national meeting]
Do we want to make our own language?
That’s too hard, let’s keep this one but say everything weird
Facebook has a link to “Report a Problem” so I wrote “I’m not very close with my father.” Now we wait I guess
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left