New comic up. “Ransom”
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Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.