I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
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Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.