If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
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If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Yup
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.