@NickSwardson

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

@NickSwardson

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

@NickSwardson

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

@NickSwardson

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

@NickSwardson

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

@NickSwardson

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!