Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
If you set fire to LMFAO they’ll become ROTFLMAO.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.