@Nickadoo

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

@Nickadoo

My urologist is weird.

I peed in a cup.
He drank it and said, “You’re fine.”
Then he paid me.

Don’t choose a doctor from Craigslist.

@Nickadoo

Hey Starbucks. If you gotta name your drinks with stupid language, don’t roll your eyes when I order a gitchy gitchy yaya mocha choca latte.

@Nickadoo

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

@Nickadoo

I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I’d need to do is kill the boss.