Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My urologist is weird.
I peed in a cup.
He drank it and said, “You’re fine.”
Then he paid me.
Don’t choose a doctor from Craigslist.
Hey Starbucks. If you gotta name your drinks with stupid language, don’t roll your eyes when I order a gitchy gitchy yaya mocha choca latte.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I wish my job was more like a video game. In order to be promoted to the next level, all I’d need to do is kill the boss.