If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
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cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
the noise i just made
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood