Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
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Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Stonehinge
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
At least try to make it slightly believable
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.