My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
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ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
when revenge coincides with naptime
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”