KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
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#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
live, laugh, laundry.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Happy thanksgiving!
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?