The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
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It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?