[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
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If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips