I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
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[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen