In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
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[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I falcon love using swear birds
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?