Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
You Might Also Like
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button