if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
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Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Follow me for more life hacks.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No