Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
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Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
same bro
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game