*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
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*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
The future is now.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
*seductively eats two tums*
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.