16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
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When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”