What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
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“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.