Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
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[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials