Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
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If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.