I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
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An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Saturday
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW