My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
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Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
#Caturday
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs