Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
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Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.