*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
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[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?