Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
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If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.