your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
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Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down