explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel