@NomDeBenoit

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

@NomDeBenoit

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

@NomDeBenoit

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

@NomDeBenoit

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

@NomDeBenoit

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

@NomDeBenoit

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

@NomDeBenoit

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

@NomDeBenoit

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?