Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”