I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
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Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
British websites use biscuits.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.