Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
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When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit