I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
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Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this