The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.
– Why they wear masks
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Apple just announced a 20-year plan to develop technology that actually allows grid-like manual organization of Home screen app icons.
Maybe that neighbor without a Wi-Fi password isn’t an idiot. Maybe he’s generous. And an idiot.