Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
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the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…