If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
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Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Stop sending me this shit.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.