@NoogsCorner

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

@NoogsCorner

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

@NoogsCorner

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

@NoogsCorner

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

@NoogsCorner

That awkward moment when Batman opens the condom compartment instead of the Batarang compartment in his utility belt.

@NoogsCorner

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

@NoogsCorner

Witch Logic:

I have the magical ability to turn any item into a flying vehicle. I guess I’ll use that broom.

@NoogsCorner

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

@NoogsCorner

When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.

@NoogsCorner

An ancient tribe of homosapiens split off from the rest and stared at the sun for thousands of years. Today we call them Asians.