sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
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911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”