I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
You Might Also Like
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown