And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
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just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Jesus Christ lmao
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
LOL
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*