I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
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[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I told my vodka about you.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.