What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
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I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?