Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
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girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
one of
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!