Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
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Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?