@NotARatsAss

I’m one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it’s more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.

@NotARatsAss

My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, “Pull!”

@NotARatsAss

My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.

@NotARatsAss

Want to spice things up? Look them right in the eyes and lick their fingers seductively.

My dentist didn’t appreciate it, but yours might.

@NotARatsAss

Make sure to stand in the middle of group photos. It will be harder to crop you out later.

@NotARatsAss

My dog is so passive-aggressive. She let me sleep in late this morning, but then counter-surfed and stole my breakfast.

@NotARatsAss

* changes bedsheets, 14 socks fall out *

Hmmm…

* apologizes to the dryer *

@NotARatsAss

Tried to make a video seductively licking the frosting from an Oreo, but got excited and ate the whole thing. Twenty times.

@NotARatsAss

“Do you need a ride?”

Me, to every jogger I pass in my car

@NotARatsAss

My dad will walk across the living room with a bowl of soup to the brim, shoelaces untied, because history has taught him nothing.