@NotARatsAss
I’m one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it’s more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.
@NotARatsAss
@NotARatsAss
My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, “Pull!”
@NotARatsAss
My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.
@NotARatsAss
Want to spice things up? Look them right in the eyes and lick their fingers seductively.
My dentist didn’t appreciate it, but yours might.
@NotARatsAss
Make sure to stand in the middle of group photos. It will be harder to crop you out later.
@NotARatsAss
My dog is so passive-aggressive. She let me sleep in late this morning, but then counter-surfed and stole my breakfast.
@NotARatsAss
* changes bedsheets, 14 socks fall out *
Hmmm…
* apologizes to the dryer *
@NotARatsAss
Tried to make a video seductively licking the frosting from an Oreo, but got excited and ate the whole thing. Twenty times.
@NotARatsAss
“Do you need a ride?”
Me, to every jogger I pass in my car
@NotARatsAss
My dad will walk across the living room with a bowl of soup to the brim, shoelaces untied, because history has taught him nothing.