I’m one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it’s more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.
My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, “Pull!”
My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.
Want to spice things up? Look them right in the eyes and lick their fingers seductively.
My dentist didn’t appreciate it, but yours might.
Make sure to stand in the middle of group photos. It will be harder to crop you out later.
My dog is so passive-aggressive. She let me sleep in late this morning, but then counter-surfed and stole my breakfast.
* changes bedsheets, 14 socks fall out *
* apologizes to the dryer *
Tried to make a video seductively licking the frosting from an Oreo, but got excited and ate the whole thing. Twenty times.
“Do you need a ride?”
Me, to every jogger I pass in my car
My dad will walk across the living room with a bowl of soup to the brim, shoelaces untied, because history has taught him nothing.